At the outset I should say that my aim in this post is to provide a different foundation from the one given in the entertaining and moving* ABC, TV series, Making Couples Happy.
As indicated in previous posts, reservations should be held by Christians and others about believing that individual happiness is an appropriate, primary goal for marriage. Happiness should be rather understood as a desirable by-product of a good marriage.
However, we know from history that happiness only began to be considered important for marriages in the West after the 18th-C Enlightenment and then in the Romanticism of the 19th-C. We have to wonder how marriages survived before that time!
Of course, they did survive. For marriage ensured the integrity of one's offspring along with raising or continuing one's family's status and class. In this context, 'romantic love' was not needed and was even regarded as dangerous because of its instable nature!
By the time the 20th-C dawned, 'love alone' or at least, 'love-dominant' marriages had become de rigeur. For 21st-C marriage, the perils of these types of marriages ('relationships') are that when the love feelings subside the partners may feel that their happiness (aka 'love feelings') is over and that the basis for their marriage is likewise finished. That may be far from the case.
Therefore, I've rejected the idea of the centrality of individual happiness to marriage.
This departure doesn't mean that happiness feelings should be excluded from marriage altogether. But we should recognise happiness is a secondary characteristic of the married state.
I realise subtleties exist in this discussion that I have brushed over without explanation: for example, 'love' as we know is far more complex than 'romantic feelings' and/or erotic desire. However, certainly for our present society, the latter two aspects have become dominant in man-woman relationships.
The implicit agreement running through such marriages is that, 'I will remain true to my agreement provided I am kept happy, get my just deserts and find emotional sustenance with my partner. If that doesn't happen then I will break my agreement and seek a better arrangement elsewhere'.
This situation is reinforced by marital counselling that espouses the ideology of needs-based relationships. This ideology would say that marriages break down because certain, important needs of the partners are not being met by other partner.
As a corollary, it implies that marriages can be improved and 'repaired' by each partner discovering what the needs of the partner are and seeking to meet those needs.
Ultimately such a mentality will not succeed because marriages are not consumer items or commodities to be manipulated towards improvement with some reductionistic vision of people as a bundle-of-needs.
Of course, we have desires, needs and urges but that is by no means the full story as is intimated below.
Marriage is covenantal love within the bonds of matrimony; a publicly, solemn agreement made before witnesses that a man and a woman are entering an institution for life, 'for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health'.
Marriage is understood in The Book of Common Prayer (1662, BCP) as 'an holy estate' (Gen 1.28; 2.18-24). Hence, becoming married involves a couple entering into a divinely-ordained institution and is not just one of the couple's own making. This basis implies a relation of complexity which cannot be managed by the simple expedients often suggested.
The BCP also speaks of three 'ordained' aims for marriage: the procreation of children, the prevention of fornication, and 'the mutual society [companionship], help, and comfort, that the one ought to have of the other, both in prosperity and adversity'.
As suggested above, usually the 'one-flesh' (Gen 2.24) bond of marriage will conceive children and thereby form a family.**
The isolated marriage is one of the big reasons for its failure today. Counselling then will seek as one of its goals to re-connect the struggling marriage with other marriages.
Another large problem today for marriage is its domination by current consumer ideology. Part of the isolation can derive from parents being given over to careers outside the marriage bond in order to seek financial security.
The partners should do an audit on the time they give to their marriage as opposed to other responsibilities to ensure that their marriage is not being shortchanged.
Marriage partners, where the marriage lacks vitality, can be encouraged to conduct marriage-enhancing and maintenance activities such as 'dates' on a regular basis. Couples have to be intentional about such activities otherwise the marriage will be continually pushed down its list of priorities.
* Particularly at the end of the last episode when the spouses each made a declaration of love to the other spouse.
** The children will be reared within the family and nurtured by father and mother until the children grow to independence. Others such as grandparents or close friends will help the child-raising couple with family responsibilities. The family should ideally also rely on other societal structures such as employment enterprises, the state, schools, churches, specialist teaching services, health professionals, sporting bodies, the media, various business, etc.
As indicated in previous posts, reservations should be held by Christians and others about believing that individual happiness is an appropriate, primary goal for marriage. Happiness should be rather understood as a desirable by-product of a good marriage.
The Perils of Happiness
It's taken for granted by many that marriage (or cohabitation) ought to be for individual happiness.However, we know from history that happiness only began to be considered important for marriages in the West after the 18th-C Enlightenment and then in the Romanticism of the 19th-C. We have to wonder how marriages survived before that time!
Of course, they did survive. For marriage ensured the integrity of one's offspring along with raising or continuing one's family's status and class. In this context, 'romantic love' was not needed and was even regarded as dangerous because of its instable nature!
By the time the 20th-C dawned, 'love alone' or at least, 'love-dominant' marriages had become de rigeur. For 21st-C marriage, the perils of these types of marriages ('relationships') are that when the love feelings subside the partners may feel that their happiness (aka 'love feelings') is over and that the basis for their marriage is likewise finished. That may be far from the case.
Therefore, I've rejected the idea of the centrality of individual happiness to marriage.
This departure doesn't mean that happiness feelings should be excluded from marriage altogether. But we should recognise happiness is a secondary characteristic of the married state.
I realise subtleties exist in this discussion that I have brushed over without explanation: for example, 'love' as we know is far more complex than 'romantic feelings' and/or erotic desire. However, certainly for our present society, the latter two aspects have become dominant in man-woman relationships.
Problems Marriages Face
One of the largest problems that marriages face today is related to its being shaped by a consumer mentality where all things, including marital love, are understood as commodities that can be purchased.The implicit agreement running through such marriages is that, 'I will remain true to my agreement provided I am kept happy, get my just deserts and find emotional sustenance with my partner. If that doesn't happen then I will break my agreement and seek a better arrangement elsewhere'.
This situation is reinforced by marital counselling that espouses the ideology of needs-based relationships. This ideology would say that marriages break down because certain, important needs of the partners are not being met by other partner.
As a corollary, it implies that marriages can be improved and 'repaired' by each partner discovering what the needs of the partner are and seeking to meet those needs.
Ultimately such a mentality will not succeed because marriages are not consumer items or commodities to be manipulated towards improvement with some reductionistic vision of people as a bundle-of-needs.
Of course, we have desires, needs and urges but that is by no means the full story as is intimated below.
Alternate Marriage Basis
From a Christian point of view, marriage is a life-long commitment of a man and a woman to each other in faithful, sacrificial ('agape') love.Marriage is covenantal love within the bonds of matrimony; a publicly, solemn agreement made before witnesses that a man and a woman are entering an institution for life, 'for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health'.
Marriage is understood in The Book of Common Prayer (1662, BCP) as 'an holy estate' (Gen 1.28; 2.18-24). Hence, becoming married involves a couple entering into a divinely-ordained institution and is not just one of the couple's own making. This basis implies a relation of complexity which cannot be managed by the simple expedients often suggested.
The BCP also speaks of three 'ordained' aims for marriage: the procreation of children, the prevention of fornication, and 'the mutual society [companionship], help, and comfort, that the one ought to have of the other, both in prosperity and adversity'.
As suggested above, usually the 'one-flesh' (Gen 2.24) bond of marriage will conceive children and thereby form a family.**
Suggestions
In a post of this type, marital counselling cannot be outlined in full for many reasons. However, the framework above may provide certain starting points for changes that may aid a faltering marriage. (Those marriages with special issues such as marital unfaithfulness, the illness of a partner, partner abuse, and death of a child are beyond the scope of this piece.)The isolated marriage is one of the big reasons for its failure today. Counselling then will seek as one of its goals to re-connect the struggling marriage with other marriages.
Another large problem today for marriage is its domination by current consumer ideology. Part of the isolation can derive from parents being given over to careers outside the marriage bond in order to seek financial security.
The partners should do an audit on the time they give to their marriage as opposed to other responsibilities to ensure that their marriage is not being shortchanged.
Marriage partners, where the marriage lacks vitality, can be encouraged to conduct marriage-enhancing and maintenance activities such as 'dates' on a regular basis. Couples have to be intentional about such activities otherwise the marriage will be continually pushed down its list of priorities.
* Particularly at the end of the last episode when the spouses each made a declaration of love to the other spouse.
** The children will be reared within the family and nurtured by father and mother until the children grow to independence. Others such as grandparents or close friends will help the child-raising couple with family responsibilities. The family should ideally also rely on other societal structures such as employment enterprises, the state, schools, churches, specialist teaching services, health professionals, sporting bodies, the media, various business, etc.
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